Sweetie Pies, I have to be honest. I’ve had time to write over the last week or so. My campaign work is over, my Thanksgiving travels afforded me blocks of time with little to do, and my freelance work won’t start picking up until later this week. So, why in the world would I let this lovely blog grow arid and risk acquisition of dust-ups and tumbleweeds with my silence?
I’m so afraid to write some of the things that God is leading me to discuss because they are personal. While I’ve been willing to write somewhat about my family, my faith and my business, there’s a line that I’ve been reluctant to cross. Despite this blog, I’m a very private person. I do not like people in my business. I prefer to suffer through certain things alone. However, God is challenging me to become more vulnerable, give more of myself. A few nights ago, I kept meditating on this thought – if you are hurting, it should hurt to write. My writing has not broken my own heart lately. I gave my words, but kept my tears to myself until, finally, I kept my words to myself as well.
Alas, writing is not a vocation pursued with bravado. It is mastered by pulling out our very souls and serving it to our readers in the hopes that they will be gentle, that they will realize that behind the hype, the type, the screen, and the page is a human who is sharing her journey. A real woman who, perhaps foolishly, still believes she can have it all.
I don’t know if you’ve ever paid attention to the header on this page, but I’ve added a new word — single. It seemed to be the silent s-word that accompanied the other descriptors. I’ve decided to finally give single its own voice. Because it sucks. Being over 30 and a single christian, being a single parent, being a single entrepreneur, being a single writer sucks. Making a decision to be celibate because your heart can no longer handle the torment of trying in vain to disconnect physical connection and the intimacy of love, and having your body sometimes violently betray what your mind and spirit know to be right is torture. I have to let you know that I understand waking up at 3am crying because, despite all the quotes we may put on Facebook and Twitter about singleness being a gift, all we can think is that this bullshit is for the birds because we need someone at that moment beside you to hold us, to kiss us, or just to listen to them breathe. But we need the right someone, so we try to fall back asleep.
This is one of my journeys, and I’ve been on it for over a year. I feel a true need to finally write about it. And I thought I’d warn you, because I’m going wherever the words and tears lead. It might get raw, but I promise you this — I can write it now because I truly believe and trust God to work this out in His time. I know that in due season, He will supply ALL of my needs.